Mainstream Dysfunctional

I want to be dysfunctional just like you

I know I’m dysfunctional in my own way too

But my kind of dysfunctional, just won’t do

I need to be dysfunctional, just like you

You’re mainstream dysfunctional, that’s what you are

You may be out of whack, but you seem to be on par

With the rest of the screwed up, sozzled planet

You’re so well aligned; tell me, did you plan it?

You’re mainstream dysfunctional, in everything you do

It seems like the same things I do, but something’s askew

You’re completely besotted, with one thing, and then the next

And at the same time you’re so unbelievably detached; it leaves me very vexed

Your life is an open door, but I can’t come in

You tell me I’m not losing, but there’s no way I can win

You’re sort of okay with the way you are, except you can’t stand it

And there’s nothing you want to do, not even understand it

You’d rather not disturb the status quo

Let the dust settle on it until you can’t see it anymore

You act like you’re fine, and maybe you are

There’s no way for me to tell while standing so far

And there are a thousand other quirks you’re allowed

The thousand perks you share with the crowd

And the dysfunctional way in which you deal with things

And how the dysfunctionality gives you wings

You get to think you’re alone, when you’re not

You get to be oblivious of the common plot

You believe that these experiences are only for you

It’s all part of the mainstream view

And while I get this all in theory, and used to practice some of it too

I don’t feel as comfortable with it, as you

There’s this stagnancy in that way of dysfunction, one that I abhor

There’s this forever and ever quality, one that I yearn for

I can’t want to be functional; it’s too much to ask

And working towards it is an uphill task

But mainstream dysfunctional seems like a feasible goal

I know it can’t be that hard, to be an asshole

And so I want to be dysfunctional just like you

The kind of dysfunctional that’s good for you

My kind, certainly isn't working out

At least not as long as yours is up and about

HOW TO WOO RANDOM PEOPLE WHO YOU WILL EVENTUALLY RUE WOOING.

My first blog post will be entirely devoid of any form of controversy. My mind is made up. No really, unpopular belief suggests that my having a mind is a completely fabricated fable. You know, like Peter Pan and The Tin Man and Jackie Chan…oh wait, not the last one, but you get the idea. Well to the people/person who believe(s) this, I have half a mind to pay a cow to sit on you. Also, I have half a mind in the very least. So, ha.

Anyway, getting back to the whatever-it-is at hand, I am of the opinion that first blog posts should be written with utmost caution and care. They should be airbrushed with a sense of decency...as should many other things *cough* Lady Gaga *cough*, but we’ll get to that when we run out of other things to get to. Yes, so what better non-controversial topic than the art of wooing? Well, many topics, but I can’t think of them right now, so make do with this.

So the reason this topic popped into my head is because a lot of people have been plaguing me with their tales of love and love lost, and being chased by dogs and God-knows-what-else (Yes, I know you must have noticed how I overuse ‘and’ but it’s only because it’s grand…and for those of you who didn’t notice it, aren’t you’ll perceptive).These rather long winded stories told me one thing - everyone’s very whiny. Oh, also, the art of wooing is fast dying…but in that slow-painful-death way.

The ART of Wooing: Wooing is an art. In the same way that abstract is an art. Though no one’s too sure how that works. So yes, it’s more or less the same (Like you would know the difference). Wooing, because of its abstract and elusive nature, is super hard to be good at. It was monopolized by the Woo clan, who despite popular China-related beliefs were from Armenia. In Armenia everyone who was anyone was busy making Armani suits, so the Woos decided they would be different and provide services instead of goods. They figured they would help people who couldn’t afford the suits find partners who would love them for their elegant ways and elite methods of subterfuge. They weren’t the most innovative people, so they called it W.O.O.ing. However, with the advent of video games, the Woos decided to take it a step further and help the people who could afford suits, but couldn’t be helped by them, by engrossing them in some sort of alternate reality. They abandoned the ‘Woo’ and took on the ‘Wii’. They did however leave behind traces of the art. Based on these traces, which I intend on concocting momentarily, along with shoddily researched concepts from the internet, I’m going to make up a list of probable wooing techniques.

How to W.O.O. (Win Others Over)

Okay, I tried googling it but it said, “Oops! Internet Explorer could not connect…” so, tough luck.
Disappointed aren’t you?
Well, don’t be. Atleast not yet. Wait till the end of this post and then do that.

1.    Be me: Okay, what I mean is be yourself. But that’s only because you can’t be me. So sad, but you’re used to settling for less, right? Yes, be yourself but in the charming-horse-rider way. Beyond that, you’re on your own. I don’t know how to be you.

2.    Break into song at wickedly inappropriate moments: All the films I’ve ever watched tell me this is very effective. During the course of this song you must change your outfits with great frequency and dexterity. Ensure that your subject of affection does not notice these changes because that will just ruin the entire effect. It would however be advisable to refrain from knocking them out with a club just to maintain the illusion. Because you know, concussions ruin effects too. Most of the time atleast.

3.    Write him/her poetry. Everyone likes having stuff written about them. Narcissistic cows that they are. It can vary depending on the intellectual preferences of your ‘wooee’. You don’t want to call them that? Well, too bad. Deal with it. Anyway, here are some examples:

Even  the  sun  doth  hide  its  radiant  countenance

As  t is  the  only  thing  that  makes any  sense      
 For  when  compared  t o  thy  glowing  face

It  knows  it  will  always  be  in  second  place.

OR

I like bread and toast

I like chicken roast

I like Ryan Seacrest as the AI host

But of all the things in the world, I like you the most.

At this point of course you’re lying. How can you like some random person more than Ryan Seacrest?!

4.    Familiarity Breeds Contempt. Rats in sewers breed more rats in sewers. See how the first one is more important because it breeds something entirely different than itself? This basically means that you need not spend your entire day talking to/interacting with/pissing off your wooee. Instead be scarce and mysterious. Ride off into the night as frequently as possible. See, that’s where the horse comes in handy. Unless you’ve already pissed the mafia off somehow and they took it out on your horse. Ride off on your spare donkey then. As for your stalking needs, fret not. Just because you can’t stalk the wooee, doesn’t mean you can’t stalk other people/animals/food items/buses. I think buses are the most viable option here, because well:

- The bus won’t mind. Unless it’s especially finicky and you’re shit ugly.

-There are lots of buses available.

-Buses make that sexy ‘brrrrrr brrrr’ sound

-You don’t look creepy when you’re chasing a bus.

-Buses can be used to stalk other buses.

-They’re big and boxy, just the way you like them.
I know you do.

The only con here is that your bus may not have a facebook page and will thus require you to leave the comfort of your own home. But you know it’ll be worth it.

Wait, what were we talking about?

Er. Hmm. Yea, well…

5.    Be ambiguous…: Don’t be specific. About anything. Especially when you don’t know what you’re talking about because you lost track. Act cool. Use the ‘B)’ emoticon if you have to. Leave things unanswered. Stop giving the wooee your address half way through...and stuff like that.

6.    Start a co-operative: Nothing woos people like co-operatives. They balance your sexy entrepreneur-ness and your approachability perfectly.

7.    Be funny: Bear in mind that for this specific aim you need to be funny in the Eddie Izzard way and not in the Russell Peters way. Not dressing like a tranny would fetch you bonus points. Unless they’re into that sort of thing.

8.    Wear a monocle: This may not work in most cases. I can’t for the life of me figure out why. Monocles are bloody cool.

Okay, now I've told you enough, so I shall stop. Let me know if any of this stuff works. If it does, damn, you must be very good looking B). If not, I did you a favour. You were going to rue it anyway remember? You’re welcome.